Time-limited therapy, also known as short-term or brief therapy, is a valuable form of therapy and can improve people’s lives.  Arranged within a set period of time, usually up to ten sessions, this type of therapy can be more beneficial to some clients in certain circumstances than longer-term counselling.

Modern life can cause an onset of personal distress with people sometimes experiencing depression, stress, anxiety and other issues often because of relationships, work or family, and these can be further exacerbated by technology, environmental factors and social demands.

In some cases, a person may have one or two specific problems that they want to resolve and this is where time-limited therapy can assist.  Short-term therapy works for couples as well as individuals and can address a range of issues such as stress, relationship problems, low self-esteem, anxiety and work or family issues. It can also help those who are going through transitions in their life or experiencing a personal crisis and finding it hard to cope.

What’s the difference between short-term and longer-term therapy

Time-limited therapy has a much tighter focus and targets a specific problem or psychological issue that is current and in the `here and now’.  This type of therapy has focused goals and is a collaborative process between therapist and client. It is likely to involve some homework assignments for the client to research and practice between sessions.

Since it is highly focused with specific goals to work towards, clients will come to understand more clearly their difficulties, the primary reasons for these difficulties and the changes that need to occur.

Short-term therapy is structured to achieve the best outcome in a short timescale. A psychotherapist will discuss and assess the problem in partnership with their client and identify and define the specific issue early on in counselling treatment. From here, initial insights and treatment strategies can be put in place to find a solution and make significant progress using practical steps for positive change. Clear goals are established within an agreed number of counselling sessions — complete with the client’s involvement and autonomy to make their own choices. Treatment can use a variety of psychotherapy techniques and tools to assist the process.

As with longer-term therapy, a mutually beneficial therapeutic alliance between psychotherapist and client will build a trusting and collaborative relationship from the outset, enabling the client to feel heard and acknowledged. Throughout the therapy, progress reviews will monitor the changes that are being made and identify where more or less focus can be applied using the most effective therapy techniques.

The client will want to resolve problems and make positive changes as quickly as possible, and short-term counselling can help a client feel empowered to focus and remain committed to the therapy.  This sense of achievable attainment in a short space of time can motivate and give hope to a client to move towards changes in their thoughts, feelings and actions in order to feel better and improve their situation more quickly.

During time-limited therapy where the attention is often on capabilities and strengths rather than weaknesses and shortcomings, a client will take an active part in their therapy and feel responsible for improvements to their life. Treatment can include reframing the problem, focusing on and appreciating strengths and drawing on past positive experiences and successes to build confidence, overcome issues and proactively move forwards.

A range of effective counselling methods can be explored and used for short-term therapy including highly personalised person-centred counselling, integrative psychotherapy, psychodynamic psychotherapy  and cognitive behavioural therapy depending on what a client’s difficulties are.

Short-term counselling is a good way to see if counselling is for you

Short-term therapy can also be a good introduction to the psychotherapy process. If you are unsure or doubtful whether therapy is for you and can help with a specific problem, it’s a good way to try therapy rather than not seek or receive any support at all. We can help and advise you on taking the first steps into therapy, and it could be that time-limited therapy is the solution for making the improvements you want.

People enter time-limited counselling with specific goals in mind and are satisfied and relieved when their difficulties are resolved, so it is worth thinking about your own preferences and whether this approach could help you.  Other factors are a person’s character, disposition and outlook and if they are goal orientated and motivated by step-by-step achievements in order to make a lasting difference.

Counselling is a dynamic and interactive process, so there will be instances when a client enters short-term therapy and during the process becomes more aware of deeper issues or patterns of thoughts and behaviours that are connected to current issues. Clients may decide with their therapist that they would benefit from long-term therapy and the opportunity for further exploration and self-discovery to address underlying problems.

Short-term therapy will not resolve deep-rooted, more serious issues such as addiction, compulsive or eating disorders, abuse or personality disorders. These types of issues will need to be addressed through long-term professional psychotherapy.

You can find out more about short-term therapy, personal therapy and couples therapy. If you have any questions about whether short-term or longer term therapy is suitable, please contact us.

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Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a practical talking therapy that helps people with problems and issues by addressing and changing how they think and behave. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy focuses on the present problems that are happening now and the relationships between thoughts, feelings and behaviours towards those problems or situations.

CBT is based on the theory that negative feelings and thoughts are not simply because of issues, difficulties and events that we have experienced, but rather because of the interpretation, meanings and beliefs that we attach to these experiences.  So it is really about how we think about and interpret what has happened to us rather than what has actually happened to us in our life.

CBT can be used as treatment for a number of issues

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is usually recommended as a short-term therapy treatment or it may be used as a tool alongside other types of talking therapies. CBT is an effective way of treating a range of mental health conditions including:

• Anxiety and social anxiety
• Obsessive compulsive disorders (OCD)
• Phobias and fear
• Panic attacks
• Anger and stress
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Negative, destructive thinking
• Self-confidence issues
• Eating disorders
• Sleep problems

The theory behind CBT is pretty straight-forward and makes sense to a lot of people

The theory behind CBT is that the way we think about situations can affect the way we feel and behave, as well as affecting how we think about ourselves, our core beliefs and ideas.

If you interpret a situation negatively, you may experience negative emotions as a result and those bad feelings can lead you to behave and act in a certain way.

Very often our thoughts are influenced by our past experiences and continuous negative thinking patterns. Our thoughts may be a result of cognitive distortion in that it is a belief or thought that does not match reality. These patterns of negative thoughts, emotions and behaviours can become part of a detrimental cycle that is difficult to find a way out of and change.

Over time, this cycle happens so many times it becomes a habit, and negative thinking, low self- esteem and self-blame can reinforce the situation to make it worse.

It all makes sense, but how would a CBT therapist be able to help me?

CBT is a collaborative therapy approach where a CBT therapist will work with you to help break negative thought and behaviour cycles that are impacting your life and holding you back.

You will be able talk to your therapist about how you are feeling and what is on your mind. The therapist will help you to identify and recognise any habitual and debilitating thoughts, emotions and behaviours that are interconnected and may be contributing to your difficulties and levels of functioning.  Unnoticed, catastrophic and automatic thoughts as well as underlying assumptions that are feeding issues can be tracked, recognised, questioned and evaluated.  The therapist discusses and practically explores with you alternative and healthier thoughts and beliefs using a range of appropriate techniques and skills. This will give you an opportunity to start making changes to negative thought and belief patterns in order to feel better and behave differently.

The therapist will equip you with skills and techniques that can proactively help you. These skills are life-long skills that can be used whenever you feel that you need help to deal with difficult and challenging times and events.

During the CBT process there will be the scope to challenge and reframe negative thought patterns and behaviours and look at past experiences with your therapist to consider if and how the past has influenced your perceptions and views of the world.

CBT is also goal-orientated so you can continue to change negative cycles, thus empowering you to achieve goals and results during the course of the therapy.

A CBT relationship between therapists and clients is equal and non-judgemental.  A client is able to discuss their views and reactions with their therapist who encourages open and honest discussion in a safe and protective environment. This collaborative approach enables the client to be actively involved with their therapy and to practise the skills and techniques recommended by the therapist.  This inevitably means that CBT requires commitment and work on the client’s part in order to make a valid difference and improvement.  However, because CBT is short-term the commitment and required input is manageable and achievable.

Some of our therapists use CBT in their work with our clients

Due to the close and productive collaboration during therapy, CBT is much more effective when working with the support of a therapist rather than taking the CBT self-help route.

CBT is a popular and powerful therapy for people as it is an ideal short-term therapy that does not delve too much into the past, instead focussing on yourself and present events. It is practical and helps to address damaging core beliefs and thought patterns that negatively impact emotions and actions. By bringing thoughts to the forefront, recognising what they are and challenging or reframing them, there will be positive and lasting improvements.

Clients are equipped with practical and useful tools, coping skills and techniques that can be used as and when needed, so there is longevity to the therapy beyond therapeutic sessions with a psychotherapist.

Find  out more about our short term counselling services as well as our longer-term counselling and psychotherapy services for individuals.

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With digital messaging, online networking and emailing so convenient, talking to another person may seem old-fashioned. These days, communication is often brief and electronic. A quick text message or a short email is usually enough to get any message across.

But humans have been talking to each other for a very long time. Our minds are programmed to be social and the need to communicate with each other is powerful. Talking is a way of relating to another person.

We know more about the brain than ever before and developments in neuroscience have shown the important links between communication, language acquisition and emotional development. The truth is that humans need to talk with each other. Thoughts, ideas and feelings stored inside and left unexpressed through language can leave us emotionally or psychologically overwhelmed.

Language, it seems, has evolved for many reasons.

Most of us talk all the time but really talking isn’t always so easy

Talking about things that really matter may be difficult and sometimes the hardest thing about feelings is sharing them with other people. We often confine our most significant thoughts and emotions to our internal world. We hold them safely in our bodies. These thoughts or feelings are very alive within us but we may never feel confident to share them with friends and family. They remain inside us, and sometimes take on a life of their own.

We often feel afraid of being judged for our thoughts, hopes or feelings and this makes sharing these parts of ourselves difficult. We may doubt ourselves. We may feel shame. We may worry what other people will think of us. We may fear that we are the only person with these thoughts or feelings and that no one will understand.

The truth is simple: talking is good for you

A catharsis is defined as the expression or discharge of repressed emotions and ideas. Putting emotions and thoughts into words can relieve emotional unease and untangle complex feelings and ideas. Getting problematic emotions out of ourselves and into the world allows us to focus on our feelings from a distance and helps us maintain good mental health.

Talking can also help resolve problems. Through talking feelings get expressed, we gain more clarity in our thoughts and solutions will often surface. In talking with another person, new perspectives often come to light and new perspectives can make old issues feel very different.

The way a person feels inside is important and a person’s internal world should not be neglected. Through identifying and naming internal feelings and emotions, we then know what feelings we are dealing with and we may regain power over difficult emotions. Being able to communicate what’s inside through spoken words is essential for emotional and psychological well-being. Over time, unexpressed thoughts and feelings can lead to depression, anxiety, shame, relationship problems, self-harm, self-worth issues and many other forms of emotional or psychological distress.

But why should I talk to a counsellor or psychotherapist?

Talking with anyone can be useful and sharing thoughts and emotions with friends, colleagues or family members is a great way to connect with other people and feel supported. We all need to feel safe, understood and supported from time to time. We all need to open ourselves to others.

And turning to someone for help is not a new concept. Though contemporary counselling and psychotherapy has been around in its current form for only a century, people have been using the power of talking throughout history. In the past, spiritual leaders, physicians, social workers and village elders were the authority figures people often turned to for help and support.

A modern-day therapist is not a friend or a family member, but someone who builds a healthy, professional relationship with their clients through trust and openness. A therapist is trained to help people communicate their inner world and to facilitate verbal communication in a way that helps promote self-awareness and self-development.

And therapists are not judgemental. They will not judge a person’s life experiences or life choices. Though every person’s story is unique, an experienced therapist will have likely ‘heard it all before’. Experienced therapists know that all thoughts, feelings and behaviours easily fall within the broad range of human psychology.

It is a mistake to believe that therapists ‘only listen’ to their clients. Professional therapists in the UK undergo several years of specialised training. Therapists understand human psychology, they are often trained in multiple styles of counselling and psychotherapy and they take their clients’ lives seriously. Therapists are highly trained to do the jobs they do.

A good therapist will understand how complicated life can be and how emotional and psychological forces can dominate someone’s life. Counsellors and psychotherapists are trained to talk, listen, explore and support. For the benefit of their clients, that’s just what they do.

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The French novelist Marcel Proust said, ‘It is in moments of illness that we are compelled to recognize that we live not alone but chained to a creature of a different kingdom: our body.’ Proust was making the point that only in illness do we become aware of our bodies. Through pain, discomfort or unwell-ness, we focus on the messages our bodies send us. Once well again, we return our attentions to our busy external worlds.

It can be useful to think of our bodies as more than the physical container in which we live.

There is, of course, a mind/body connection and people often underestimate the power of this connection. An experienced therapist will have seen countless examples of psychosomatic illnesses in clients. Psychosomatic illness is real but has its roots in psychological and emotional dis-ease. And if the mind is making the body unwell, it’s doing this for a reason.

Our bodies have evolved ways of sending messages to us and tapping into these signals can be very useful

The human body has evolved many ways of letting us know how we’re doing and there is an important mind-body link that often gets ignored. Learning to use this internal messaging system through interpreting the many signals sent by our bodies can lead to better physical and psychological health.

Pain is the most obvious message our bodies send to us. When we feel pain, we know something is wrong. Because pain is uncomfortable, when we experience pain we set out to find the problem, fix the problem and alleviate the pain. This is, in fact, the function of pain. Without pain, we might not know that something’s wrong.

It’s easy for most people to understand the role pain plays in bringing our minds in touch with our bodies. Pain helps monitor and maintain physical health within the body. To some extent, pain helps keep us alive.

Another well-known message sent to us from our bodies is the feeling of being tired. Feeling tired is our body’s way of telling us that we have reached a limit. Feeling tired is a reminder that we need to restore ourselves; that our energy levels are being depleted.

There are many others. Learning to understand the many other messages the body sends us can be equally as useful.

Not all body messages are physical

Some messages sent to us by our bodies are emotional. Our emotions are not random. They have evolved for specific purposes though sometimes those purposes have long been forgotten.

Fear, for example, exists for an important reason. Fear warns us that something might be dangerous. When we feel fearful, we prepare to protect or defend ourselves. Though not all situations that make us fearful are dangerous, feelings of fear make us assess a situation before going forward. Ignoring the message of fear can be a mistake.

The feeling of disgust is a powerful emotion that tells us something might be unhealthy for us. It’s believed that disgust evolved to protect us from disease. Many of the objects or situations that evoke disgust are associated with disease like spoiled foods, human waste (faeces and urine), animals (like rats or cockroaches), poor hygiene, dead bodies and body envelope violations (like surgery and amputations). When we feel disgust, our body is telling us to avoid something; warning us that something may damage our health. Disgust gives us a sense of revulsion and we step away from the disgusting object towards safety.

You are not what you eat and your body knows it

Many foods popular today are mass-produced, made as cheaply as possible, are heavily processed and high in fat, salt and sugar. Though food is increasingly processed away from its natural state, our bodies remain as natural and organic as ever.

And the food we eat can illicit many messages to us from our bodies.

Some people describe an unpleasant feeling after eating fast food or other heavily processed foods. Some people talk of having a sense that the food they are eating is not good for them. Others talk about an unpleasant aftertaste that leads to feelings of disgust for the food they have just consumed.

Our bodies can tell if the food we give it is of any nutritional value. When food is of poor quality, our bodies tell us. These messages can provide important guidelines on which to structure our diets.

A similar phenomenon often happens with alcohol. When drinking alcohol, some people become aware of a feeling, a kind of sense within themselves that consuming ‘one more drink’ will make them feel unwell. Wise people use this message from the body to stop drinking at this point. Through trusting the body, and listening to the body’s messages, some people can self-moderate the amount of alcohol that is good and acceptable for them.

And very healthy eating often evokes an affirming message from the body. Many people experience a rewarding feeling of satisfaction after consuming a healthy meal. They experience pleasure and contentment after giving the body nutritional food.

Practice makes perfect

Getting used to your body’s messaging service may take time. You may need to pay close attention to your body to learn how and when it sends messages to you. Getting in touch with these messages and responding to them can eventually be very beneficial.

By learning to tap into the subtle messages sent by our bodies, we can learn what works best for us and what circumstances to avoid. We can become more attuned to what our physical bodies need for optimum functioning.

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The first world war soldier’s pocket book contained, among other things, an informal will. These books were carried by all servicemen throughout the war. For many years, the last wills and testaments of nearly 300,000 soldiers who died in battle were left decaying and unpreserved in archives around the country. Recently, the original copies of these wills have been collected and preserved in a digital archive set up by the government.

The handwritten wills, carried by the soldiers at all times, were meant to ensure their wages, personal effects and estates were distributed in accordance with their last wishes. Often mud-stained, torn and written in pencil, many of the wills were composed as letters, describing life and circumstances on the battlefield.

The vast majority of wills written on the battlefield left everything to soldiers’ mothers

While preserving the wills, archivists noticed that the vast majority of soldiers left their estates to their mothers. Again and again, soldiers from different regiments, from different parts of the UK, fighting in different locations in Europe left their belongings to their mothers. While a few soldiers left their estates to fathers, wives or girlfriends, the majority of soldiers who died on the battlefield listed their mothers as sole beneficiaries.

Often, the wills included very moving and personal messages to their mothers. It may be that these men, dying in war, in the end turned to their mothers with one final expression of love.

Two very moving examples of these newly-preserved wills can be found here and here.

Posts in Make Up Your Own Mind are random and reflect current affairs, social issues and observations that might encourage further thought. We don’t intend to promote any view of the matters brought to life here, one way or another.

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The Institute of Psychoanalysis has commissioned a short animated film that sets out to demonstrate the purpose and process of psychoanalysis. The patient, dressed in worried black, attempts to resolve a perceived issue with his boss.

Using free association and dreams, the patient uses his psychoanalytic session to work through his troubles at work while his attentive therapist sits nearby. The film touches on several components of psychoanalysis including transference and the Oedipal conflict. But you have to look closely or you’ll miss them!

Created by London artist Georgia de Castro Keeling, the simple but beautiful black and white animation is eye-catching. The film is clever and endearing yet stark. The accompanying musical sound track is perfect. You can’t help but smile when you see this animated film. Whether or not it answers the question in its title is debatable.

Intelligent and unusual. You can view this 3 and a half minute animated film on YouTube.

Posts in Make Up Your Own Mind are random and reflect current affairs, social issues and observations that might encourage further thought. We don’t intend to promote any view of the matters brought to life here, one way or another.

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Sexual issues are common. Sex taps into many different parts of us: the emotional, the physical, the psychological and sometimes even the spiritual. Opportunities for something to go wrong in our sexual wiring is great.

Most people will experience some kind of sexual dysfunction at some point in their lives. These problems are often temporary and usually pass. For some people, difficulties having sex do not go away so easily.

There are many different types of sexual problems for both men and women. Some sexual issues are organic (biological) in nature and a GP can help with these sexual problems through medication and other treatments.

However, most sexual problems originate in the mind and are not due to a physical (organic) problem in the body. These types of sexual problems are usually treated through counselling and psychotherapy, in particular, psychosexual therapy. Sexual issues are one of the most common reasons people come to therapy.

Why is having sex so difficult?

You would think something as natural, healthy, common and socially acceptable as sex would be pretty straightforward. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Many of us have picked up negative messages about sex, negative messages about sexuality and negative messages about our own bodies. These messages, often acquired during childhood or adolescence, can make having sexual experiences difficult.

Some people have had negative or traumatic sexual experiences in the past that are difficult to overcome. Previous sexual trauma can make sexual encounters very distressing. Someone who has experienced sex as a painful, negative or damaging experience in the past may have trouble accepting that sex can be a healthy, enjoyable part of life.

And we can’t ignore religion and its role in how we view sex. Some religions teach that certain experiences of sex are good while other forms of sex are very bad. This can be confusing to some people as they come to understand their own sexual desires. Religious influences can have a devastating effect on how we regard our own sexuality. Most religions do not take into account the complex nature of normal human desire.

Whatever the reasons (and there are many), sex has become a complex and complicated issue. Since the twentieth century, we have given sex a great deal of importance in society. Messages are often mixed: sex is sometimes seen as taboo while all around us most advertising, film and social media are heavily sexualised. People with sexual issues often have much anxiety about their sexual problems and this anxiety usually makes the sexual issues worse.

Sex and intimacy

Sometimes a sexual problem has its origins within our emotions. On a number of levels, sex creates an intimacy with a sexual partner. Intimacy with another can make us feel vulnerable. For some people, it is this level of intimacy that creates the sexual dysfunction. Being intimate with another person can make some people feel exposed, vulnerable and afraid.

In these cases, the problem isn’t so much about sex, but it is the emotional discomfort that being up close and personal with another person brings. When facing sexual problems, it’s a good idea to think first about whether the issue is around sex and sexual behaviour or around intimacy and closeness. Problems with intimacy are also very common.

What you can do to help yourself through sexual problems

Overcoming sexual issues is not always easy and most people need the help of an experienced therapist to conquer sex and intimacy issues. Sexual issues are often deeply embedded and a good therapist can help understand and resolve difficult issues around sex.

Psychosexual therapists are therapists who specialise in sexual issues for individuals and for couples.

On our own, there are a few steps that might help alleviate some of the anxiety around having problems in the bedroom. Taking a few minutes to understand the nature of your sexual problem can help. The more you understand your sexual issue, the less the issue will intimidate you. If you have an ongoing sexual problem and you’d like to improve your sexual experiences, you might consider the following:

1. Acknowledge and accept that you have a sexual issue. Tell yourself that sexual problems are common and that this is OK. In other words, let yourself off the hook.
2. Think through what sex means to you. What is sex to you? What messages have you picked up about sex? Do you see sex as a positive or negative thing? Has religion influenced your ideas around sex? What were your parent’s attitudes towards sex?
3. Think about why you have sex. What do you hope to get out of sex? Physical pleasure? A connection with another person? A sense of being loved and cared for? What do you want sex to be?
4. Think about your personal sexual issues. At what point in sex does the problem begin? Are certain types of sex easier or more difficult for you? Have there been successful sexual experiences when the problem did not appear? What was different on those occasions?
5. Does your problem feel like a sexual problem or an intimacy issue? How do you feel when you are emotionally or sexually intimate with another person? Is sex without intimacy less or more difficult for you?
6. Are you having the type of sex you want to be having? How do you feel about your recent sexual experiences and the expectations or demands of your sexual partners? Is your partner fulfilling your sexual needs? What would make sex more comfortable, more fulfilling and more enjoyable for you?

Getting help

Counselling and psychotherapy for sexual issues is a common and effective treatment. Most therapists will have some experience of working with sexual problems and some therapists will have specialised training in sex or sexuality issues. A psychosexual therapist may be the best way forward if your sexual issues have been around a long time or if they are getting in the way of your personal relationships.

Many people are reluctant to speak with a therapist about sexual issues. This is understandable. It can feel uncomfortable talking about sex and sexual behaviour. However, most people are surprised how easy it is to speak about sex once they get going. A good therapist will make sure these conversations are managed sensitively and with care. Sex is an important part of life. Talk about it.

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Schools around the UK have known for some time that many children and adolescents text inappropriate images of themselves from their mobile phones, or upload intimate images of themselves online and email these to other people. The practice of ‘sexting’ is becoming more common as a generation of children grow up entirely comfortable recording the details of their personal lives online. Sexting is defined as self-generated explicit images sent to other people over the internet.

A recent University of Plymouth survey of 500 13-18 year olds revealed that 38% of those questioned had received an explicit image over the internet. 39% admitting sending explicit images of themselves. And interestingly, 58% were not aware that images they had sent were distributed to more than the intended recipient.

Children often don’t realise the consequences of sending intimate images to trusted friends. Once an image has been uploaded to the internet, it is almost impossible to remove. Once sent, control over an image is irreparably lost.

Behaviour blurs the lines of sexual exploitation and the laws around the distribution of indecent images

A police force in Nottingham has warned children who sext that they could face prosecution. They cited a case where a teenage girl sent a topless image of herself to her boyfriend. Both the girl and the boy were investigated for sending indecent images of children. The boy, who had forwarded the image to several friends, received a caution. The experience was distressing for both families involved.

In a letter to Nottingham school officials, Detective Inspector Martin Hill wrote
‘If a person is aged over 10 years and distributes (or shares, even with friends) an indecent image, then they can be arrested and charged… for this offence. If they are found guilty, they must then register as a sex offender.‘

For some people, the practice of sexting raises issues beyond the legal implications. The self-sexualisation of children may have greater consequences. Parents Protect, a UK charity aimed at helping parents protect children from sexual abuse, has created a comprehensive information pack for parents concerned about sexting.

Posts in Make Up Your Own Mind are random and reflect current affairs, social issues and observations that might encourage further thought. We don’t intend to promote any view of the matters brought to life here, one way or another.

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If you have ever experienced a distinct or unfamiliar feeling that you couldn’t quite name, you might have encountered one of the many emotions for which there are no words in English. Though no language is sophisticated enough to name all human emotions, when it comes to describing our feelings the English language can be a bit limiting.

As an example, in English we have many words for money (cash, pounds, stirling, quid, currency, coins, notes, bob, bucks, grand) and only one word for loneliness.

Yet the loneliness one feels when alone and missing other people might be different from the loneliness someone experiences in a crowded room. And the word ‘sad’ has become almost meaningless through over-use, largely because there are few alternatives to describe this common human feeling.

The more we are able to name a feeling the better we’re able to understand the emotions that shape and motivate our behaviour. Having the right words for emotions is key to self-awareness and when we encounter a nameless emotion, language can let us down. We search for a word and it’s not there. Generally, the more we are able to give shape and meaning to our emotions, the better.

Sometimes, of course, no single word captures exactly how we feel. At these times, we may find ourselves trying to describe an emotion using many words. We may try to compare a feeling to other feelings we’ve had in the past. Or we might try to describe a feeling by explaining what it’s not: ‘I am grieving for him, but it’s not like the grief I felt for my sister.’

For every emotion that has a name in English, there are many emotional experiences that remain nameless.

Not all languages are the same

Though English has not evolved names for many emotions, some languages provide more opportunity for naming our feelings, often by breaking emotions down into their more complex parts. The German language is well-known for having many words for emotions that aren’t easily translated into English. Some good examples of words for emotions in other languages that we don’t have at hand in English include:

forelsket (Norwegian) – the euphoria you feel when you first fall in love

schadenfreude (German) – the pleasure derived from someone else’s pain

pena ajena (Spanish) – the discomfort you feel when watching someone else’s humiliation

yoko meshi (Japanese) – the stressful feelings that arise when trying to speak a foreign language

l’esprit de l’escalier (French) – the realisation of a clever comeback when it’s too late to deliver it

meraki (Greek) – doing something with soul, or with love: putting yourself into what you’re doing

gigil (Filipino) – the urge to squeeze or pinch something that is unbearably cute

cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese) – the act of running your fingers tenderly through someone’s hair with affection

There are many others.

Being able to put words to our feelings is essential to emotional well-being. Often, a significant part of therapy will be about learning to put names to feelings; to give emotions shape and scope so that they can be understood. Without the use of language for self-expression, we would experience endless un-named feelings without always understanding what they mean or where they originate. This could be frightening and confusing.

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Technology has changed the way people meet. Whether we’re looking for a life partner, friendship or something more casual, many relationships now start online. The number of people using social networking sites has steadily increased over the past 10 years. And online dating is now a socially acceptable approach to finding a partner.

Online dating wasn’t always this easy. In the beginning, the practice of marketing oneself online and meeting ‘complete strangers’ through the internet was widely shunned. It was often seen as a desperate alternative for those who struggled to meet people in the ‘real world.’

Admitting you had met your partner online was often, and not so long ago, a little embarrassing.

That’s all changed. Many people have found that an online forum allows them a world of potential new partners, and a freedom to market themselves as they choose.

We’ve put together some tips for safe and successful online relationship hunting.  By taking things slowly and using common sense, online dating can be a fun and rewarding process. We hope the following suggestions will help.

Before going online, you might want to prepare yourself

• Be ready to date. If you’re not over a previous relationship, this may not be the time to put yourself on the world wide web. Or if you’re feeling stressed or unmotivated, you may not be emotionally ready to meet new people. Wait until you feel relaxed and confident.
• Think about what you’re looking for. Make a wish list, if that helps. What kind of partner do you really want?
• Don’t construct a fantasy partner. Most people are not fantasies: they are normal people, just like you.
• Research the available dating sites. They are not all the same! Some sites focus more on longer-term relationships while others focus on short-term hook-ups. Find the site that promotes what you’re looking for.

Marketing yourself to the world

• Keep your profile simple. Too much information can be off-putting. You wouldn’t tell a first date in a coffee shop your entire life story so why do that in your profile? Your profile is a potential partner’s first impression of you. Don’t give too much away. Keep things simple.
• Your photo should be welcoming. If possible, choose a photo that hints at your personality. Avoid flat or posed images. Holiday photos are not usually best. Choose a photo that captures the real you.
• Be honest in your profile. Yes, many people market themselves online in a misleading way, but being dishonest in your profile means that whatever relationship you eventually create will be dishonest from the start. And there’s nothing more embarrassing than going on a first date in the real world when your profile photo is 15 years old. You might get caught out. Be yourself.
• Weave your personality into your profile. Don’t tell people who you are, show them. Write carefully and creatively, using your own voice.
• Leave room for curiosity. Let potential partners become interested in learning more about you. Why did you spend a month last year in Vietnam? What is is about John Waters films that you like so much? This will give you both something to talk about on your first date.

Diving into the ocean of online personal profiles

• Though you’ve been completely honest in your profile, allow some room for ‘creativity’ in the profiles that attract you. Accept that 39 probably means 43 and that I like going to parks on weekends! probably means I have kids. You won’t be disappointed later.
• Don’t expect success right away. Finding someone you connect with takes time. Enjoy the process of meeting people online, even the ones you decide not to meet face to face. The right one will come along eventually.
• Be proactive. Make the first move. Take a chance. If you’re going to sit and wait for someone to come over, you may as well be sitting in a bar.
• In potential partners’ profiles, ignore information about personality. Most people aren’t very good at promoting themselves accurately. Stick to the facts — age, location, job, education and personal interests. You’ll learn more about the character of online partners as you begin communicating with them.
• Try to get a sense of the tone of a potential partner’s profile. Sometimes you can learn a lot about someone from how they write.
• Avoid sharing certain personal details online. Never give your address or the place where you work to anyone until you’ve met them. If someone asks for personal information, keep in mind that you don’t have to oblige.
• Get used to rejection and be gentle when you’re doing the rejecting! Let other people down easily. Take the time to explain to disappointed fans that they are simply not what you’re looking for.
• Ignore rude behaviour online. Just as there are people you don’t want to know in the real world, there are people you don’t want to know online. Ignore them.

Meeting up

• For some people, meeting a potential new partner is the fun part. For others, this is the most stressful part of online dating. Either way, choose a place to meet where you will feel most comfortable. If you don’t like bars, choose a coffee shop, museum or park. A restaurant is not usually a good idea for a first date. If you don’t click with this stranger you’ve just met, you may get stuck waiting for the food to arrive and the bill to come. Choose a place that works for both of you.
• Let at least one person know where you’re going and who you intend to meet. Take your mobile phone with you. It’s always best to be safe.
• Don’t accept a lift from a new potential partner. Drive yourself or take public transport.
• Be prepared for three potential outcomes: you both fall in love at first site and you can’t wait to meet again,  you both are left feeling pretty cold about the other and it just didn’t work out, or one of you likes the other but the other can’t wait to get back online. Think through how you might like to respond to any of these outcomes.

Afterwards

• Be aware that successful online dating means that a relationship will evolve into ‘real world dating’. Communication with a partner will move from online messaging to real-life face to face interactions. You’ll be learning about your new partner as the relationship unfolds without the medium of the internet. Be patient with a new relationship and go slowly.
• You (and maybe your new partner) will have to think about what to do with those social networking sites that have been part of your life in recent months. Some people find they miss online networking once a real relationship has been achieved.

So now you’re ready! The shame of online dating is gone. Everyday, people are actively looking for partners online. There is a great deal of information on online dating available on the internet. Basic principles include stay safe, go slowly, be yourself and have fun. And don’t let online relationships become the only relationships you have.

Sometimes successful relationships of any kind are difficult for some people. Relationship issues are one the most common reasons people use our services. More about problems with relationships can be found by clicking here.