“So, tell me about your childhood…”

It’s one of the most popular stereotypes of psychotherapists, that we just want to talk about past experiences and blame everything on your parents! No wonder when people approach our services for help, they often stress that they want to let go of past events and stick to their present troubles.

After all, if you can find tools to tackle your current problems without digging up memories of painful times, why bother? The past is the past, right? There’s nothing you can do to change it.

Well, kind of… you can’t change your past experience, but you can change your thoughts and feelings about it. And you can change the power it has over your mind and your current life.

How our childhood shapes our personality

Lindsay Gould, a therapist working in London and Brighton, offers the example of a man who has been admonished for crying. “If, when in pain as a child, he was told that crying’s babyish or not masculine, he is likely to take that belief with him into adult life. He may feel incapable of expressing emotion, particularly fear and hurt, if he thinks that shows weakness, and that is likely to impact his relationships. Through recognising the source of the belief, he may realise that he can dispute it.”

That last part is really important. As young children we tend to believe what adults tell us, without questioning it. So if a parent tells their son that crying is babyish, then the boy accepts that.

He carries the belief with him into adulthood, feeling it as a natural truth. Even if people tell the man it’s fine to cry, even if he gets it rationally, the belief that crying is babyish still feels true to him.

He might have problems in an intimate relationship as an adult, because he can’t show his partner when he’s hurt. If he is given the guidance ‘You just need to open up more when you’re upset,’ it probably isn’t going to help because that feels so wrong to him.

To change his feelings and behaviour in a way that sticks, he needs to change the underlying belief. And to change the underlying belief, he needs to understand that it is just a belief, not a truth. This involves reflecting on his early experiences and acknowledging the impact of all the times others told him to stop crying or praised him for being a brave little soldier.

These early beliefs we hold onto come in lots of different flavours, many of them negative. Some of the most common are I’m weak, I’m unlovable, I’m stupid and I’m too much. These are all variations on the I’m bad theme, but children also absorb beliefs about other people or the world in general – others can’t be trusted, the world is a dangerous place, women are manipulative, and so on.

So many of these beliefs that underpin our adult behaviour just aren’t true! Sometimes, the people we picked them up from don’t even believe them themselves. The parent who tells their son to be a brave little soldier might only be doing it because they can’t bear the hurt of seeing their son crying. The reason a child calls a classmate stupid might be because they fear that they’re stupid themselves. The grandparent who declares their grandchild ‘too much’ might just be embarrassed that they haven’t the energy to keep up.

Yet the child hears these things and takes them to heart, embedding them into their personality. They incorporate these beliefs into a blueprint for how the world is, then they look for evidence that that blueprint is right.

So the next time a teacher says “There there, don’t cry,” to our brave little soldier, he remembers what his parent said and hears the teacher’s comment as a rebuke (you shouldn’t cry) rather than an attempt to comfort him. In this way, the beliefs get reinforced.

We all do this – looking for things that fit with our blueprint and dismissing things that don’t – as we feel more secure when our blueprint isn’t challenged.

Early experience and relationship style

Sara Barry uses an attachment-based approach in her psychotherapy practice. She finds that for many people, the area where their blueprint causes most problems is in relationships.

To greatly oversimplify attachment theory, if our significant childhood relationships were secure due to our parents/caregivers being attuned to, and responding to, our needs and helping us to manage our emotions, we will likely be able to form secure relationships as adults. However, if we felt insecure in these early relationships, we may find it harder to form healthy adult relationships.

Imagine a girl whose parents are neglectful. Instead of having an experience of how a healthy relationship feels, she grows up learning how to be in relationships with neglectful people. When she is choosing who to form an adult relationship with, she may unconsciously choose a person who will neglect her, because that feels familiar and fits with her blueprint.

Developing an understanding of her attachment style and its origins can help to loosen the control that her past has over her, and help her to have more choice in her present situation. As Sara points out, “What we can change by talking about past relationships is how we think and feel in the present, and that offers choices for how we want our future to be.”

We can change not only who we are in relationships with, but also how we are in relationships. As a child, the girl with neglectful parents will develop coping mechanisms (ways to help keep herself safe from the neglect). Perhaps she will become very independent, looking after herself because she cannot rely on her mum and dad to do it. When she grows up, she is likely to behave in the same way in her adult relationships, even with people who don’t neglect her.

This might seem strange – why doesn’t she see that the coping mechanisms no longer help once she’s away from her parents? It’s partly because the coping mechanisms are unconscious habits – she doesn’t realise she is behaving that way or may not know how to act differently – and it’s partly down to her blueprint. Her blueprint says that others are neglectful, so she expects partners and friends to be neglectful and looks for any hint of inattention as evidence that they are.

She may then revert to the old and familiar ways to cope by that served her so well as a child – relying only on herself. Only now they might not serve her well. Instead they may create problems – her partner may complain that she takes charge of everything, her friends may be hurt that she doesn’t open up to them, she may find it hard to delegate at work, the stress of doing everything on her own may impact her health, and so on.

Learning to let go of the past

So, the coping mechanisms that serve us well as children often create problems in our adult relationships. Integrative therapist Ben Marks explains it to his clients with the metaphor of an army with out-of-date strategies.

“This army has never evaluated its past and is stuck in patterns and rituals that are no longer appropriate. An air craft carrier isn’t going to stop terrorism. Once you understand and evaluate your history, you can deal with the present.”

Ironically, letting go of the past doesn’t mean forgetting about it or ignoring it. Rather, we move forward by looking at our past lives, facing difficult memories and learning how they impacted our mind and thus affect our present situation. By doing that, we reduce the power of the past over us, and we start to notice improvements across our lives – in relationships with others, at work, in our health, and so on.

Looking at the past can feel scary

If you fear looking at your past, remember that you will always be in control – our therapists are there to help and guide you; they aren’t going to force you to talk about anything you’re not ready to.

And in my experience, clients often expect looking at their past to be harder than it turns out to be. They also tend to be surprised by how much it can help their lives, and to be glad they made the decision to go there.

Kate Crawford is Head of Therapy Services at One Therapy London.

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Some people think their problems aren’t significant enough. Others fear they have too much to say, that they might overwhelm the therapist or open a can of worms they won’t be able to close. Some worry that there are right things and wrong things to talk about in therapy, that they don’t have the proper language or that there’s no point in talking about anything as it can’t change the past anyway.

All these worries are normal and completely understandable. They are also unwarranted. There is no right or wrong way to talk and no subject matter that can’t be explored. Most clients who struggle with what to say find that it becomes easier with a little time. Therapists are trained to help people talk, and the empathy and non-judgemental approach therapists adopt soon enables clients to open up.

For those who think their problems aren’t important enough, that just isn’t the case. If something affects a client, then it’s worth talking about. Caspar Murphy, who works at One Therapy Brighton, says, “As a therapist, I am interested in each individual who walks through the door. Often the clients who think their problems aren’t important are the ones who haven’t been listened to much in their lives. Helping them to view their thoughts and feelings as important is a crucial part of the work.”

The boundaries that therapists put in place can feel very containing for clients who worry about having too much to say or opening a can of worms. Clients are encouraged to go at their own pace, without any pressure to go into topics they are not yet ready to address. At One Therapy, we provide open-ended counselling. That means clients can come for as many months or years as they want to, so there’s no rush to talk about everything straight away. They speak to the therapist for 50 minutes once a week and they don’t have to think about their issues between sessions if they don’t feel able to.

Therapy is not always easy but it may be less difficult than you might think.

Many clients find that exploring difficult topics and sharing them with the therapist isn’t nearly as overwhelming as they expect. They also see that the therapist can hear whatever they have to say and be okay with it. This shows the client something really valuable: that they and their story are not “too much”.

As integrative therapist Amrita Athwal points out, learning about our pasts helps us make sense of the present and exploring the present sheds light on unconscious material from our pasts. With the therapist’s help, the client makes links between the two, thus understanding themselves better.

For some the worry is how they should talk. Are they allowed to swear? (Yes.) Do they need to keep a lid on their emotions? (Absolutely not.) Will they need to understand terminology like the unconscious, the ego, transference, and so on? (They won’t.) It is the therapist’s job to talk in a way that their client can understand, and there’s no need to use technical terms. Clients are free to talk however they want to talk and to use the words they would use if talking to a friend.

Finally there are those who think there is no point in talking about anything in counselling. Psychodynamic therapist, Claire Coupe, acknowledges that talking doesn’t change the past, but says it enables us to “process our feelings and understand the impact these events or experiences have had on us. It helps us to tolerate the difficult emotions we often try so hard to bury.”

Please try to put aside your worries about what to talk about. Whatever you want to say and however you want to say it is fine with us.

Kate Crawford is Head of Therapy Services at One Therapy London.

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I’m often struck by the anxiety that I see on the faces of clients when they come to their first couples therapy appointment. They are invariably wondering what’s going to happen.

Will they have to reveal things they don’t want to say in front of their partner? Will their partner say things they don’t want to hear? Will I judge them for how they are in their relationship? Will I push them to stay together when they want to separate, or to separate when they want to stay together?

With all these fears, it’s not surprising that many couples put off therapy until they reach crisis point. I advocate coming before the relationship reaches a crisis. It’s easier to resolve issues without the threat of separation hanging over the couple or the therapy. I hope that by explaining a little about what happens in couples counselling in this post, I can alleviate some of the fears and help couples come to therapy sooner.

Relationship therapy with your partner isn’t always easy but it may not be as frightening as some might think

Firstly, the therapist’s role is not to judge either partner in the relationship, nor to tell them what to do. The role of the therapist is to help the couple have the conversations they need to have to work out how they want to go forward. I can’t think of a couple I’ve worked with where the core of the work hasn’t been improving communication. As Helen Rattner, who sees individuals and couples at our Brighton practice, points out, “Although we are pack animals, we find the rules of engagement with our fellow human beings a tricky affair. We often dance around each other rather than dance together.” And there are many ways in which we can help you to dance together.

It’s unrealistic to expect two people to live alongside each other without friction. We all do things that irritate, hurt or infuriate our partners. I’m talking about big things and little things here, from infidelity, sexual problems and abusive behaviour to not taking the bins out or leaving the lid off the toothpaste. In couples therapy, we unpick why those things impact us as they do, how to communicate that clearly and what changes can be made going forward.

Tom Leonard specialises in couples work. He finds that when couples come with what they see as irreconcilable differences or unchangeable patterns of behaviour, counselling often helps them to understand those things in new ways and make shifts that didn’t previously seem possible. An important part of that process is recognising that both partners are responsible for the relationship and for their part in the problematic dynamics.

Therapy creates a space where both partners are treated equally, where both voices are heard and the therapist is an impartial third party. Many couples remark on how valuable that space is: 50 minutes a week to focus on their relationship away from the stresses of work, family and home.

This space provides the opportunity to improve many areas of the relationship: restoring intimacy, building trust, overcoming past infidelities, reducing aggression, resolving financial problems, sharing domestic responsibilities fairly, parenting effectively together, adjusting to retirement, managing relationships with wider family – the list goes on.

The therapist helps the couple to discuss issues such as these and to agree their way forward. In doing so, the couple learns to negotiate difficulties effectively themselves. Our aim isn’t to eliminate disagreements, but to equip the couple with the ability to work through them.

Ultimately, some couples will decide they want to separate – and it is always their decision. Couples therapy provides support through that process. Indeed, couples sometimes come to us having already made that decision and wanting our help to reduce the fallout, particularly if they have children. Delia Schumacher, a psychodynamically-trained couples therapist at our Soho practice, stresses the importance for the couple of mourning the relationship and reflecting on what the ending means for them.  It’s so easy for separation to degenerate into a blame game at a time when both partners are already hurting. Keeping communication open and compassionate with the help of couples therapy is invaluable.

Whatever stage a couple is at, there is no shame in coming to couples therapy. Keeping the love and communication going through all that life throws at us is a real challenge, and one that most of us are never taught how to handle. We’re here to help.

Kate Crawford is Head of Therapy Services at One Therapy London.

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When I trained as a psychotherapist, me and my fellow students were given the assignment of doing something we’d never done before. The course tutors wanted us to get in touch with how scary it can be to do something new, to feel the fear of the unknown. I chose to jump out of a plane, which seemed a little excessive when I found out that a fellow student had chosen to bake their first cake! But actually, when I consider the fear that some people feel around coming for their first counselling session, I think it was a good choice.

New clients generally come for their first sessions full of anxious questions. What will happen in counselling? Will you give me a diagnosis? What should I talk about? Where should I start? Do I lie on a couch? Is it ok to cry? Or to swear? What will the therapist think of me? Can they fix me? And so on. I hope that by answering some of these questions here, I can make it a little less scary for you to embark on counselling.

Counselling in a unique experience for everyone — so expect the unexpected

First, let me paint a picture for you of what happens in the counselling room. You and the therapist sit across from each other and talk about whatever you want to talk about. That’s all. In your first session, the therapist may take notes. After that, they probably won’t.

Ceri Hiles, who is based at our Covent Garden practice, points out that many people’s expectations of counselling or therapy are based on what they’ve seen in films. “If your idea of therapy comes mostly from the movies, then you might have a rather unhelpful sense of what it is like. You probably won’t be reclining on a couch while a severe, bearded man peers at you over his glasses and asks questions about your mother!”

These days, the therapy relationship is much more equal, with the therapist and client working collaboratively. Therapists don’t diagnose and we don’t fix. That’s because you’re not broken. Our job is to be alongside you as you work out who you are, what you want from life and how you might get it. Therapists support and guide their clients, and together the therapist and client can create amazing change, but it’s not a case of the therapist telling the client what to do or prescribing a magic pill.

So, what to talk about and where to start? Psychodynamic therapist, Barbara Perrini, stresses that every client’s experience of therapy is unique and there is no right or wrong subject matter. “It is very much individual, as it is about your personal experience and feelings. It goes at your pace and you talk about whatever you want to talk about in each session.”

Sometimes you might not know what to focus on. That’s fine. Your therapist will help you to get to the heart of the matter, whichever point you start from.

Some clients start in the past, some in the present, some talk about the same issue each week, some bring something new each week. It all works.

Your therapist will help you along the way

That said, there are effective ways to use personal counselling sessions and your therapist will support you to find what works well for you. Good therapists recognise that new clients may need a bit more help. For example, with a new client who doesn’t know what to talk about, I ask a few questions to help them start. As clients become more comfortable in therapy, they tend to need less of this.

Many clients want to be “good” at therapy and for their therapists to think well of them. That’s only natural and the client’s desire to be good can be valuable to explore in itself. But sometimes it gets in the way of the therapy. The more you can be yourself with your therapist, the better. That might mean showing parts of yourself that you usually hide, parts that are vulnerable, messy, dark and so on.

So yes, it’s ok to cry. And yes, it’s ok to swear. Therapists are used to all sorts of emotional expression. In fact, it’s one of the most precious things about counselling, that you can be yourself and be accepted just as you are by your therapist. Dwayne Jackson, who founded One Therapy, says, “There is something unique about the open, non-judgemental relationship between client and therapist that’s unlike relationships you get anywhere else. There is a unique type of honesty in therapy, shared only by the client and the therapist.”

So what to expect in counselling is on the one hand mundane – just two people talking – and I hope that this takes away some of the fear of the unknown. Because on the other hand, what to expect is something exceptional – a relationship unlike any other, which will support you to create what you really want for your life.

Kate Crawford is Head of Therapy Services at One Therapy London.

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Over the years that I’ve worked as a therapist, I’ve been asked numerous times by prospective clients, “How does counselling help?”  And I’ve yet to come up with a satisfactory answer. Not because I’m in any doubt that it helps, but because the how bit is so hard to articulate concisely.

Counselling works in a number of ways. One of these is simply that getting things off our chests usually makes us feel better. Many people don’t feel comfortable talking about their problems to family or friends. They don’t want to burden them, or perhaps what they want to talk about is too private.

Having someone whose role is to listen without judgement in a safe, confidential setting can be really precious.

If you haven’t tried therapy before, counselling may seem mysterious and confusing

Counselling goes beyond just listening. The therapist works to really understand the client, and in doing so helps the client to understand themselves. Psychodynamic therapist, Antonella Bonetti, uses the analogy of a messy canvas, covered in all sorts of colours and shapes. This canvas represents the client’s life experiences. Looking at them, some areas make sense, some don’t and some feel painful to look at. The therapist helps the client to make sense of the canvas and is alongside them when they look at the painful parts. With time, these painful parts become more manageable and, as Antonella says, “the initial confusing canvas may be transformed into a very different work of art.”

Counselling is about increasing self-awareness and making changes

An important ingredient in this transformation is compassion. Most of us beat ourselves up for not being good enough in some way or another. Having a therapist understand why you are the way you are and accept you just as you are can encourage you to be more compassionate with yourself.

Another important ingredient is awareness. As Brighton-based therapist, Mel James points out, positive change stems from awareness and counselling can hold up mirrors to our blind spots. Therapists help clients understand how events in their past influence their present beliefs and behaviours, and how those beliefs and behaviours may be hindering them. This increased awareness can liberate clients to choose different ways of being. As Mel says, “it can also help us reconnect with our true selves, leading to increased fulfilment in life.”

I still don’t think I’ve successfully explained how counselling works. There’s more that I could say. But ultimately it’s less important to understand how it works than to give it a chance to work for you.

Often clients tell me that counselling has brought benefits without them really noticing how or when the change happened – things shifted for the better without them understanding it. So my suggestion for anyone who’s considering personal counselling is to give it a try. It may be a leap of faith, but counselling can be so amazing and life-changing that it’s a leap well worth taking.

Kate Crawford is Head of Therapy Services at One Therapy London.

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Time-limited therapy, also known as short-term or brief therapy, is a valuable form of therapy and can improve people’s lives.  Arranged within a set period of time, usually up to ten sessions, this type of therapy can be more beneficial to some clients in certain circumstances than longer-term counselling.

Modern life can cause an onset of personal distress with people sometimes experiencing depression, stress, anxiety and other issues often because of relationships, work or family, and these can be further exacerbated by technology, environmental factors and social demands.

In some cases, a person may have one or two specific problems that they want to resolve and this is where time-limited therapy can assist.  Short-term therapy works for couples as well as individuals and can address a range of issues such as stress, relationship problems, low self-esteem, anxiety and work or family issues. It can also help those who are going through transitions in their life or experiencing a personal crisis and finding it hard to cope.

What’s the difference between short-term and longer-term therapy

Time-limited therapy has a much tighter focus and targets a specific problem or psychological issue that is current and in the `here and now’.  This type of therapy has focused goals and is a collaborative process between therapist and client. It is likely to involve some homework assignments for the client to research and practice between sessions.

Since it is highly focused with specific goals to work towards, clients will come to understand more clearly their difficulties, the primary reasons for these difficulties and the changes that need to occur.

Short-term therapy is structured to achieve the best outcome in a short timescale. A psychotherapist will discuss and assess the problem in partnership with their client and identify and define the specific issue early on in counselling treatment. From here, initial insights and treatment strategies can be put in place to find a solution and make significant progress using practical steps for positive change. Clear goals are established within an agreed number of counselling sessions — complete with the client’s involvement and autonomy to make their own choices. Treatment can use a variety of psychotherapy techniques and tools to assist the process.

As with longer-term therapy, a mutually beneficial therapeutic alliance between psychotherapist and client will build a trusting and collaborative relationship from the outset, enabling the client to feel heard and acknowledged. Throughout the therapy, progress reviews will monitor the changes that are being made and identify where more or less focus can be applied using the most effective therapy techniques.

The client will want to resolve problems and make positive changes as quickly as possible, and short-term counselling can help a client feel empowered to focus and remain committed to the therapy.  This sense of achievable attainment in a short space of time can motivate and give hope to a client to move towards changes in their thoughts, feelings and actions in order to feel better and improve their situation more quickly.

During time-limited therapy where the attention is often on capabilities and strengths rather than weaknesses and shortcomings, a client will take an active part in their therapy and feel responsible for improvements to their life. Treatment can include reframing the problem, focusing on and appreciating strengths and drawing on past positive experiences and successes to build confidence, overcome issues and proactively move forwards.

A range of effective counselling methods can be explored and used for short-term therapy including highly personalised person-centred counselling, integrative psychotherapy, psychodynamic psychotherapy  and cognitive behavioural therapy depending on what a client’s difficulties are.

Short-term counselling is a good way to see if counselling is for you

Short-term therapy can also be a good introduction to the psychotherapy process. If you are unsure or doubtful whether therapy is for you and can help with a specific problem, it’s a good way to try therapy rather than not seek or receive any support at all. We can help and advise you on taking the first steps into therapy, and it could be that time-limited therapy is the solution for making the improvements you want.

People enter time-limited counselling with specific goals in mind and are satisfied and relieved when their difficulties are resolved, so it is worth thinking about your own preferences and whether this approach could help you.  Other factors are a person’s character, disposition and outlook and if they are goal orientated and motivated by step-by-step achievements in order to make a lasting difference.

Counselling is a dynamic and interactive process, so there will be instances when a client enters short-term therapy and during the process becomes more aware of deeper issues or patterns of thoughts and behaviours that are connected to current issues. Clients may decide with their therapist that they would benefit from long-term therapy and the opportunity for further exploration and self-discovery to address underlying problems.

Short-term therapy will not resolve deep-rooted, more serious issues such as addiction, compulsive or eating disorders, abuse or personality disorders. These types of issues will need to be addressed through long-term professional psychotherapy.

You can find out more about short-term therapy, personal therapy and couples therapy. If you have any questions about whether short-term or longer term therapy is suitable, please contact us.

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Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a practical talking therapy that helps people with problems and issues by addressing and changing how they think and behave. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy focuses on the present problems that are happening now and the relationships between thoughts, feelings and behaviours towards those problems or situations.

CBT is based on the theory that negative feelings and thoughts are not simply because of issues, difficulties and events that we have experienced, but rather because of the interpretation, meanings and beliefs that we attach to these experiences.  So it is really about how we think about and interpret what has happened to us rather than what has actually happened to us in our life.

CBT can be used as treatment for a number of issues

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is usually recommended as a short-term therapy treatment or it may be used as a tool alongside other types of talking therapies. CBT is an effective way of treating a range of mental health conditions including:

• Anxiety and social anxiety
• Obsessive compulsive disorders (OCD)
• Phobias and fear
• Panic attacks
• Anger and stress
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
• Negative, destructive thinking
• Self-confidence issues
• Eating disorders
• Sleep problems

The theory behind CBT is pretty straight-forward and makes sense to a lot of people

The theory behind CBT is that the way we think about situations can affect the way we feel and behave, as well as affecting how we think about ourselves, our core beliefs and ideas.

If you interpret a situation negatively, you may experience negative emotions as a result and those bad feelings can lead you to behave and act in a certain way.

Very often our thoughts are influenced by our past experiences and continuous negative thinking patterns. Our thoughts may be a result of cognitive distortion in that it is a belief or thought that does not match reality. These patterns of negative thoughts, emotions and behaviours can become part of a detrimental cycle that is difficult to find a way out of and change.

Over time, this cycle happens so many times it becomes a habit, and negative thinking, low self- esteem and self-blame can reinforce the situation to make it worse.

It all makes sense, but how would a CBT therapist be able to help me?

CBT is a collaborative therapy approach where a CBT therapist will work with you to help break negative thought and behaviour cycles that are impacting your life and holding you back.

You will be able talk to your therapist about how you are feeling and what is on your mind. The therapist will help you to identify and recognise any habitual and debilitating thoughts, emotions and behaviours that are interconnected and may be contributing to your difficulties and levels of functioning.  Unnoticed, catastrophic and automatic thoughts as well as underlying assumptions that are feeding issues can be tracked, recognised, questioned and evaluated.  The therapist discusses and practically explores with you alternative and healthier thoughts and beliefs using a range of appropriate techniques and skills. This will give you an opportunity to start making changes to negative thought and belief patterns in order to feel better and behave differently.

The therapist will equip you with skills and techniques that can proactively help you. These skills are life-long skills that can be used whenever you feel that you need help to deal with difficult and challenging times and events.

During the CBT process there will be the scope to challenge and reframe negative thought patterns and behaviours and look at past experiences with your therapist to consider if and how the past has influenced your perceptions and views of the world.

CBT is also goal-orientated so you can continue to change negative cycles, thus empowering you to achieve goals and results during the course of the therapy.

A CBT relationship between therapists and clients is equal and non-judgemental.  A client is able to discuss their views and reactions with their therapist who encourages open and honest discussion in a safe and protective environment. This collaborative approach enables the client to be actively involved with their therapy and to practise the skills and techniques recommended by the therapist.  This inevitably means that CBT requires commitment and work on the client’s part in order to make a valid difference and improvement.  However, because CBT is short-term the commitment and required input is manageable and achievable.

Some of our therapists use CBT in their work with our clients

Due to the close and productive collaboration during therapy, CBT is much more effective when working with the support of a therapist rather than taking the CBT self-help route.

CBT is a popular and powerful therapy for people as it is an ideal short-term therapy that does not delve too much into the past, instead focussing on yourself and present events. It is practical and helps to address damaging core beliefs and thought patterns that negatively impact emotions and actions. By bringing thoughts to the forefront, recognising what they are and challenging or reframing them, there will be positive and lasting improvements.

Clients are equipped with practical and useful tools, coping skills and techniques that can be used as and when needed, so there is longevity to the therapy beyond therapeutic sessions with a psychotherapist.

Find  out more about our short term counselling services as well as our longer-term counselling and psychotherapy services for individuals.

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With digital messaging, online networking and emailing so convenient, talking to another person may seem old-fashioned. These days, communication is often brief and electronic. A quick text message or a short email is usually enough to get any message across.

But humans have been talking to each other for a very long time. Our minds are programmed to be social and the need to communicate with each other is powerful. Talking is a way of relating to another person.

We know more about the brain than ever before and developments in neuroscience have shown the important links between communication, language acquisition and emotional development. The truth is that humans need to talk with each other. Thoughts, ideas and feelings stored inside and left unexpressed through language can leave us emotionally or psychologically overwhelmed.

Language, it seems, has evolved for many reasons.

Most of us talk all the time but really talking isn’t always so easy

Talking about things that really matter may be difficult and sometimes the hardest thing about feelings is sharing them with other people. We often confine our most significant thoughts and emotions to our internal world. We hold them safely in our bodies. These thoughts or feelings are very alive within us but we may never feel confident to share them with friends and family. They remain inside us, and sometimes take on a life of their own.

We often feel afraid of being judged for our thoughts, hopes or feelings and this makes sharing these parts of ourselves difficult. We may doubt ourselves. We may feel shame. We may worry what other people will think of us. We may fear that we are the only person with these thoughts or feelings and that no one will understand.

The truth is simple: talking is good for you

A catharsis is defined as the expression or discharge of repressed emotions and ideas. Putting emotions and thoughts into words can relieve emotional unease and untangle complex feelings and ideas. Getting problematic emotions out of ourselves and into the world allows us to focus on our feelings from a distance and helps us maintain good mental health.

Talking can also help resolve problems. Through talking feelings get expressed, we gain more clarity in our thoughts and solutions will often surface. In talking with another person, new perspectives often come to light and new perspectives can make old issues feel very different.

The way a person feels inside is important and a person’s internal world should not be neglected. Through identifying and naming internal feelings and emotions, we then know what feelings we are dealing with and we may regain power over difficult emotions. Being able to communicate what’s inside through spoken words is essential for emotional and psychological well-being. Over time, unexpressed thoughts and feelings can lead to depression, anxiety, shame, relationship problems, self-harm, self-worth issues and many other forms of emotional or psychological distress.

But why should I talk to a counsellor or psychotherapist?

Talking with anyone can be useful and sharing thoughts and emotions with friends, colleagues or family members is a great way to connect with other people and feel supported. We all need to feel safe, understood and supported from time to time. We all need to open ourselves to others.

And turning to someone for help is not a new concept. Though contemporary counselling and psychotherapy has been around in its current form for only a century, people have been using the power of talking throughout history. In the past, spiritual leaders, physicians, social workers and village elders were the authority figures people often turned to for help and support.

A modern-day therapist is not a friend or a family member, but someone who builds a healthy, professional relationship with their clients through trust and openness. A therapist is trained to help people communicate their inner world and to facilitate verbal communication in a way that helps promote self-awareness and self-development.

And therapists are not judgemental. They will not judge a person’s life experiences or life choices. Though every person’s story is unique, an experienced therapist will have likely ‘heard it all before’. Experienced therapists know that all thoughts, feelings and behaviours easily fall within the broad range of human psychology.

It is a mistake to believe that therapists ‘only listen’ to their clients. Professional therapists in the UK undergo several years of specialised training. Therapists understand human psychology, they are often trained in multiple styles of counselling and psychotherapy and they take their clients’ lives seriously. Therapists are highly trained to do the jobs they do.

A good therapist will understand how complicated life can be and how emotional and psychological forces can dominate someone’s life. Counsellors and psychotherapists are trained to talk, listen, explore and support. For the benefit of their clients, that’s just what they do.

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