Living Well Today Archives - One Therapy https://www.onetherapy.london/category/living-well-today/ Counselling & Psychotherapy Fri, 28 Oct 2022 15:17:33 +0000 en-GB hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.1.1 https://www.onetherapy.london/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/cropped-One-Therapy-London-Icon-32x32.png Living Well Today Archives - One Therapy https://www.onetherapy.london/category/living-well-today/ 32 32 Extreme Anxiety and Panic Attacks https://www.onetherapy.london/extreme-anxiety-and-panic-attacks/ https://www.onetherapy.london/extreme-anxiety-and-panic-attacks/#respond Thu, 13 Oct 2022 11:12:48 +0000 https://www.onetherapy.london/?p=11611 Panic attacks are all too familiar these days with many people experiencing extreme anxiety or panic at some point in their lives

It’s a much mis-used description – panic attack. Sometimes people claim to have them when they simply feel a bit nervous or rushed but anyone who has ever experienced one will know what the feeling really means. Panic attacks can be extremely frightening. They can make you feel out of control, struggling for breath, nauseous, sweaty and terrified that you are having a heart attack or breakdown. At the worst extreme, they can create a sense of detachment, almost as if you are having an out-of-body experience. They can last a few minutes, or half an hour, can strike anywhere at any time whether you are alone or on a crowded train. In rare cases panic attacks can escalate into panic disorder, where the feeling of being overwhelmed lasts for days, weeks or months.

One Therapy therapist Simone Actilio explains that panic attacks are actually very common – one in three of us will experience them – yet often sufferers may not discuss them because they fear it carries some sort of stigma.

Panic attacks are frightening but they always pass.

But the reassuring truth is that a panic attack is not physically dangerous, rather it is your body’s normal physiological response to anxiety, to any form of stress, fear or excitement – but magnified.

Simone says, ‘A panic attack is a physical manifestation of an unconscious conflict that is often rooted in the person’s early emotional experience.’ 

It stems from our primitive ‘fight or flight’ response (the usual comparison is to a cave man escaping a sabre-toothed tiger): the adrenaline hormone surges causes breathing to become faster and shallower to drive more oxygen to the muscles; the muscles tense and the heart beats faster to pump more blood to them. Your blood supply diverts to your limbs so your skin looks paler and you sweat to stay cool. To allow the body to focus on ‘fight or flight’, less important  functions shut down: for example, your salivary glands stop secreting which results in that unpleasant dry mouth. As you hyperventilate, you exhale increased levels of carbon monoxide which changes the acidity levels in your blood which in turn may cause cramping or dizziness. So try to hold on to the fact that this is all a natural but exaggerated response.

However, the problem with panic attacks is the unpredictability of how, where and why they happen. Sometimes life throws up stressful situations: relationship problems, redundancy, money worries or even supposedly happy events that nevertheless cause stress: a wedding or important presentation at work. But sometimes the cause may be much harder to fathom and can be rooted in your past experiences. For example, children who have suffered physical or emotional abuse or separation anxiety are more likely to suffer panic attacks in later life. And people who are harshly critical of themselves may find that their internal negative voice expresses itself in physical symptoms.

‘It’s not a simple linear cause and effect’, explains Simone ‘but it is possible, through exploration of your past experiences, that you may discover the source.’

And with a cruel twist, the fear of having a panic attack, especially in public, can actually be the trigger to spark an attack. 

What can I do when a panic attack attacks?

Once you can reassure yourself that the physical symptoms are not harmful and that they will pass you can try various techniques to help and ultimately ward off the experience.

BREATHING Breath control is one of the most effective methods for coping. At the first sense of an attack – when your chest tightens or you feel you are losing control – you can slow your breathing down. Inhale from your abdomen; you should see your tummy swell in and out. Breathe out slowly, for longer than you inhale – try counting up to five. Remember the carbon dioxide balance is changing which is why breathing in and out of a paper bag, breathing back in your own carbon dioxide, can help keep your acid levels stable. Even cupping your hands over your mouth as you breathe will help. 

DIARY Keeping a diary over several months will help to identify events, places or times that may trigger attacks. It might not be obvious but sometimes you can spot a pattern, however unlikely, that might link to moments of high anxiety or fear.

CHECK-UP It’s always worth seeing your doctor to check that there are no underlying health conditions contributing towards the problem. (Although for some people just seeing a doctor can cause a rise in stress levels so be aware of this if you do suffer from ‘white coat syndrome’). Alcohol, too much caffeine and smoking can contribute towards panic attacks. A doctor may prescribe an anti-depressant which, used in conjunction with therapy, can be effective.

EXERCISE Regular exercise raises your level of endorphins, the ‘feel-good’ chemicals that can offset the feelings of being overwhelmed by depression or  anxiety. 

MEDITATION As well as helping you to control the jumble of thoughts that cascade into your mind as an attack threatens, meditation has been proven to help lower your heart rate and blood pressure. It takes some practice to access a state of meditation but there are many apps and online guides as well as classes. And once you are able to master it you can practice it anywhere – on a train journey, in an office, a restaurant – and no-one will notice. It’s not all about sitting cross-legged and chanting!

THERAPY Often, as we described above, the causes of panic attacks lie deep within and sometimes you may be unable or reluctant to investigate what these reasons are. Simone Actilio says ‘a qualified therapist may be able to help you to make sense of this unsettling, and often, terrifying experience, to identify  thought patterns or reactions.’ 

Does counselling for panic attacks work?

Yes. Many people come to us for anxiety-related issues.

Some forms of therapy, such as CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) can help you moderate your responses to situations so that when you find yourself in a triggering environment you can control how you react. Some other types of therapy, such as psychodynamic psychotherapy, aims at exploring the conscious and unconscious meaning of the panic attack, how its triggers can represent intense early life wishes and fears. Whichever sort of therapy is right for you, it can help to identify why the panic attacks happen, to break the cycle and allow you to accept that if they happen, you have the tools to deal with them.

One Therapy London has qualified therapists who can help with panic attacks so please contact us if you would like help.  

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Collective Grieving: Why We Feel Communal Grief Following the Death of the Queen https://www.onetherapy.london/collective-grieving-why-we-feel-communal-grief-following-the-death-of-the-queen/ https://www.onetherapy.london/collective-grieving-why-we-feel-communal-grief-following-the-death-of-the-queen/#respond Sat, 17 Sep 2022 19:19:52 +0000 https://www.onetherapy.london/?p=11577

Many of us may be surprised by the intensity of emotion we are feeling after the recent death of the Queen – a woman we probably never met and certainly never knew. Yet somehow it feels like a personal loss we were unprepared for. Death at 96 is not surprising – but with the Queen’s death there may also be an odd sense of shock, and a conflicting combination of emotions that can be disorientating. We may even feel confused or guilty about crying or mourning for a stranger when we have experienced the death of those close to us more calmly.

But, as One Therapy London therapist Ceri Hiles explains, a public outpouring of grief may bring back unexpressed personal experiences of death within one’s own the family, either recent or from many years ago. ‘Long-buried feelings of loss and sadness resurface, can be powerful and sometimes that response includes unresolved grievances, or things left unsaid from the past. A flashback to a previous death can be very vivid and real. You may have been encouraged to be ‘strong’ or so overwhelmed by practical matters or supporting others that you didn’t fully accept your grief at the time.’ Ceri adds, ‘In some cases a deceased person held together certain family relationships and fractures can occur when that bond is lost which can be difficult to resolve.’ Seeing a bereavement played out before the nation can force us to confront these emotions.

One Therapy London therapist Tom Deitch sees many people who lost family or friends during the pandemic. ‘They may have been unable to say goodbye in person and been allowed only a brief, limited funeral, depriving them of the rituals that can help us accept death: seeing friends from across the country, sharing memories, music, photographs. Very public grieving, as with the death of the Queen, can bring back this sadness and an earlier grief somehow put on hold.’

After the death of his wife, the author C S Lewis wrote, ‘No-one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.’ Feeling frightened and anxious is a perfectly understandable reaction when something that has been a constant in life for so long, like the presence of Queen Elizabeth, changes suddenly, and at a time when we may already be feeling insecure about the future (for many other reasons at the moment like the uncertainties created by the Covid pandemic, Brexit and the current economic challenges facing the country). This change may make us feel out of control, as if the structure of our life is crumbling. It isn’t so much that the Queen’s death changes our future, more a reminder that life is ephemeral. Tom Deitch says, ‘When we realise that nothing is permanent, that being eternal is an illusion, it reminds us of our own mortality.’

But an outpouring of communal, collective grief can also help to connect us with other people when we might be feeling sad, lonely or isolated. It gives us all a powerful sense of belonging to a community, that our feelings are mirrored by others and therefore they are valid and real, however personal or individual. It may be brief, but it forms a bridge between people who may not otherwise communicate or share experiences and can actually open up conversations or new relationships.

Sometimes this can feel like a pressure to conform in the way we grieve (should we not go to a planned concert out of respect, or should we pretend we think the whole thing is overblown?) – but everyone is different and it’s important not to feel judged by how we can best express ourselves.

At a time of collective grieving, like when the country is mourning the death of the Queen, we might find ourselves looking for some direction from leaders of the country or the church, people who can take responsibility for guiding us through what feels like a tidal wave of unfamiliar confusion. That can be helpful – although nothing is a rule to be followed. Rituals, such as queuing to pay respects, observing a minute’s silence or simply observing public ceremonies give shape and resolution to emotions that are often difficult to articulate.

So when we are experiencing sadness, fear, anxiety or guilt, it’s helpful to remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel. Grief is often stifled or repressed, especially when we are young, because family members or colleagues want to make us feel ‘better’ or want us to ‘move on’. The traditional British stiff upper lip (as often embodied by the Queen herself) isn’t always helpful. We need to take time to think about what we have lost and our emotional responses to change and accept them for what they are – a part of what makes us an equal member of a community.

One Therapy has experienced grief and bereavement therapists if you would like to talk to someone.

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Understanding our body’s messaging service https://www.onetherapy.london/understanding-bodys-messaging-service/ Sun, 23 Nov 2014 18:15:55 +0000 http://www.psychotherapyuk.com/?p=4329 Learning to understand the language of our bodies can improve well-being
Mind-Body connection through counselling, in the form of a tree

The French novelist Marcel Proust said, ‘It is in moments of illness that we are compelled to recognize that we live not alone but chained to a creature of a different kingdom: our body.’ Proust was making the point that only in illness do we become aware of our bodies. Through pain, discomfort or unwell-ness, we focus on the messages our bodies send us. Once well again, we return our attentions to our busy external worlds.

It can be useful to think of our bodies as more than the physical container in which we live.

There is, of course, a mind/body connection and people often underestimate the power of this connection. An experienced therapist will have seen countless examples of psychosomatic illnesses in clients. Psychosomatic illness is real but has its roots in psychological and emotional dis-ease. And if the mind is making the body unwell, it’s doing this for a reason.

Our bodies have evolved ways of sending messages to us and tapping into these signals can be very useful

The human body has evolved many ways of letting us know how we’re doing and there is an important mind-body link that often gets ignored. Learning to use this internal messaging system through interpreting the many signals sent by our bodies can lead to better physical and psychological health.

Pain is the most obvious message our bodies send to us. When we feel pain, we know something is wrong. Because pain is uncomfortable, when we experience pain we set out to find the problem, fix the problem and alleviate the pain. This is, in fact, the function of pain. Without pain, we might not know that something’s wrong.

It’s easy for most people to understand the role pain plays in bringing our minds in touch with our bodies. Pain helps monitor and maintain physical health within the body. To some extent, pain helps keep us alive.

Another well-known message sent to us from our bodies is the feeling of being tired. Feeling tired is our body’s way of telling us that we have reached a limit. Feeling tired is a reminder that we need to restore ourselves; that our energy levels are being depleted.

There are many others. Learning to understand the many other messages the body sends us can be equally as useful.

Not all body messages are physical

Some messages sent to us by our bodies are emotional. Our emotions are not random. They have evolved for specific purposes though sometimes those purposes have long been forgotten.

Fear, for example, exists for an important reason. Fear warns us that something might be dangerous. When we feel fearful, we prepare to protect or defend ourselves. Though not all situations that make us fearful are dangerous, feelings of fear make us assess a situation before going forward. Ignoring the message of fear can be a mistake.

The feeling of disgust is a powerful emotion that tells us something might be unhealthy for us. It’s believed that disgust evolved to protect us from disease. Many of the objects or situations that evoke disgust are associated with disease like spoiled foods, human waste (faeces and urine), animals (like rats or cockroaches), poor hygiene, dead bodies and body envelope violations (like surgery and amputations). When we feel disgust, our body is telling us to avoid something; warning us that something may damage our health. Disgust gives us a sense of revulsion and we step away from the disgusting object towards safety.

You are not what you eat and your body knows it

Many foods popular today are mass-produced, made as cheaply as possible, are heavily processed and high in fat, salt and sugar. Though food is increasingly processed away from its natural state, our bodies remain as natural and organic as ever.

And the food we eat can illicit many messages to us from our bodies.

Some people describe an unpleasant feeling after eating fast food or other heavily processed foods. Some people talk of having a sense that the food they are eating is not good for them. Others talk about an unpleasant aftertaste that leads to feelings of disgust for the food they have just consumed.

Our bodies can tell if the food we give it is of any nutritional value. When food is of poor quality, our bodies tell us. These messages can provide important guidelines on which to structure our diets.

A similar phenomenon often happens with alcohol. When drinking alcohol, some people become aware of a feeling, a kind of sense within themselves that consuming ‘one more drink’ will make them feel unwell. Wise people use this message from the body to stop drinking at this point. Through trusting the body, and listening to the body’s messages, some people can self-moderate the amount of alcohol that is good and acceptable for them.

And very healthy eating often evokes an affirming message from the body. Many people experience a rewarding feeling of satisfaction after consuming a healthy meal. They experience pleasure and contentment after giving the body nutritional food.

Practice makes perfect

Getting used to your body’s messaging service may take time. You may need to pay close attention to your body to learn how and when it sends messages to you. Getting in touch with these messages and responding to them can eventually be very beneficial.

By learning to tap into the subtle messages sent by our bodies, we can learn what works best for us and what circumstances to avoid. We can become more attuned to what our physical bodies need for optimum functioning.

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Facing sexual issues https://www.onetherapy.london/facing-sexual-issues/ Wed, 01 Oct 2014 16:46:05 +0000 http://www.psychotherapyuk.com/?p=3970 Problems in the bedroom can be overwhelming

Sexual issues are common. Sex taps into many different parts of us: the emotional, the physical, the psychological and sometimes even the spiritual. Opportunities for something to go wrong in our sexual wiring is great.

Most people will experience some kind of sexual dysfunction at some point in their lives. These problems are often temporary and usually pass. For some people, difficulties having sex do not go away so easily.

There are many different types of sexual problems for both men and women. Some sexual issues are organic (biological) in nature and a GP can help with these sexual problems through medication and other treatments.

However, most sexual problems originate in the mind and are not due to a physical (organic) problem in the body. These types of sexual problems are usually treated through counselling and psychotherapy, in particular, psychosexual therapy. Sexual issues are one of the most common reasons people come to therapy.

Why is having sex so difficult?

You would think something as natural, healthy, common and socially acceptable as sex would be pretty straightforward. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Many of us have picked up negative messages about sex, negative messages about sexuality and negative messages about our own bodies. These messages, often acquired during childhood or adolescence, can make having sexual experiences difficult.

Some people have had negative or traumatic sexual experiences in the past that are difficult to overcome. Previous sexual trauma can make sexual encounters very distressing. Someone who has experienced sex as a painful, negative or damaging experience in the past may have trouble accepting that sex can be a healthy, enjoyable part of life.

And we can’t ignore religion and its role in how we view sex. Some religions teach that certain experiences of sex are good while other forms of sex are very bad. This can be confusing to some people as they come to understand their own sexual desires. Religious influences can have a devastating effect on how we regard our own sexuality. Most religions do not take into account the complex nature of normal human desire.

Whatever the reasons (and there are many), sex has become a complex and complicated issue. Since the twentieth century, we have given sex a great deal of importance in society. Messages are often mixed: sex is sometimes seen as taboo while all around us most advertising, film and social media are heavily sexualised. People with sexual issues often have much anxiety about their sexual problems and this anxiety usually makes the sexual issues worse.

Sex and intimacy

Sometimes a sexual problem has its origins within our emotions. On a number of levels, sex creates an intimacy with a sexual partner. Intimacy with another can make us feel vulnerable. For some people, it is this level of intimacy that creates the sexual dysfunction. Being intimate with another person can make some people feel exposed, vulnerable and afraid.

In these cases, the problem isn’t so much about sex, but it is the emotional discomfort that being up close and personal with another person brings. When facing sexual problems, it’s a good idea to think first about whether the issue is around sex and sexual behaviour or around intimacy and closeness. Problems with intimacy are also very common.

What you can do to help yourself through sexual problems

Overcoming sexual issues is not always easy and most people need the help of an experienced therapist to conquer sex and intimacy issues. Sexual issues are often deeply embedded and a good therapist can help understand and resolve difficult issues around sex.

Psychosexual therapists are therapists who specialise in sexual issues for individuals and for couples.

On our own, there are a few steps that might help alleviate some of the anxiety around having problems in the bedroom. Taking a few minutes to understand the nature of your sexual problem can help. The more you understand your sexual issue, the less the issue will intimidate you. If you have an ongoing sexual problem and you’d like to improve your sexual experiences, you might consider the following:

  1. Acknowledge and accept that you have a sexual issue. Tell yourself that sexual problems are common and that this is OK. In other words, let yourself off the hook.
  2. Think through what sex means to you. What is sex to you? What messages have you picked up about sex? Do you see sex as a positive or negative thing? Has religion influenced your ideas around sex? What were your parent’s attitudes towards sex?
  3. Think about why you have sex. What do you hope to get out of sex? Physical pleasure? A connection with another person? A sense of being loved and cared for? What do you want sex to be?
  4. Think about your personal sexual issues. At what point in sex does the problem begin? Are certain types of sex easier or more difficult for you? Have there been successful sexual experiences when the problem did not appear? What was different on those occasions?
  5. Does your problem feel like a sexual problem or an intimacy issue? How do you feel when you are emotionally or sexually intimate with another person? Is sex without intimacy less or more difficult for you?
  6. Are you having the type of sex you want to be having? How do you feel about your recent sexual experiences and the expectations or demands of your sexual partners? Is your partner fulfilling your sexual needs? What would make sex more comfortable, more fulfilling and more enjoyable for you?

Getting help

Counselling and psychotherapy for sexual issues is a common and effective treatment. Most therapists will have some experience of working with sexual problems and some therapists will have specialised training in sex or sexuality issues. A psychosexual therapist may be the best way forward if your sexual issues have been around a long time or if they are getting in the way of your personal relationships.

Many people are reluctant to speak with a therapist about sexual issues. This is understandable. It can feel uncomfortable talking about sex and sexual behaviour. However, most people are surprised how easy it is to speak about sex once they get going. A good therapist will make sure these conversations are managed sensitively and with care. Sex is an important part of life. Talk about it.

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The unspeakable emotions https://www.onetherapy.london/unspeakable-emotions/ https://www.onetherapy.london/unspeakable-emotions/#respond Wed, 23 Jul 2014 14:50:28 +0000 http://www.psychotherapyuk.com/?p=3375 Unusual or complex emotions can be difficult to describe in English

If you have ever experienced a distinct or unfamiliar feeling that you couldn’t quite name, you might have encountered one of the many emotions for which there are no words in English. Though no language is sophisticated enough to name all human emotions, when it comes to describing our feelings the English language can be a bit limiting.

As an example, in English we have many words for money (cash, pounds, stirling, quid, currency, coins, notes, bob, bucks, grand) and only one word for loneliness.

Yet the loneliness one feels when alone and missing other people might be different from the loneliness someone experiences in a crowded room. And the word ‘sad’ has become almost meaningless through over-use, largely because there are few alternatives to describe this common human feeling.

The more we are able to name a feeling the better we’re able to understand the emotions that shape and motivate our behaviour. Having the right words for emotions is key to self-awareness and when we encounter a nameless emotion, language can let us down. We search for a word and it’s not there. Generally, the more we are able to give shape and meaning to our emotions, the better.

Sometimes, of course, no single word captures exactly how we feel. At these times, we may find ourselves trying to describe an emotion using many words. We may try to compare a feeling to other feelings we’ve had in the past. Or we might try to describe a feeling by explaining what it’s not: ‘I am grieving for him, but it’s not like the grief I felt for my sister.’

For every emotion that has a name in English, there are many emotional experiences that remain nameless.

Not all languages are the same

Though English has not evolved names for many emotions, some languages provide more opportunity for naming our feelings, often by breaking emotions down into their more complex parts. The German language is well-known for having many words for emotions that aren’t easily translated into English. Some good examples of words for emotions in other languages that we don’t have at hand in English include:

forelsket (Norwegian) – the euphoria you feel when you first fall in love

schadenfreude (German) – the pleasure derived from someone else’s pain

pena ajena (Spanish) – the discomfort you feel when watching someone else’s humiliation

yoko meshi (Japanese) – the stressful feelings that arise when trying to speak a foreign language

l’esprit de l’escalier (French) – the realisation of a clever comeback when it’s too late to deliver it

meraki (Greek) – doing something with soul, or with love: putting yourself into what you’re doing

gigil (Filipino) – the urge to squeeze or pinch something that is unbearably cute

cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese) – the act of running your fingers tenderly through someone’s hair with affection

There are many others.

Being able to put words to our feelings is essential to emotional well-being. Often, a significant part of therapy will be about learning to put names to feelings; to give emotions shape and scope so that they can be understood. Without the use of language for self-expression, we would experience endless un-named feelings without always understanding what they mean or where they originate. This could be frightening and confusing.

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Online dating | useful tips for making online relationships https://www.onetherapy.london/tips-online-dating/ https://www.onetherapy.london/tips-online-dating/#respond Sat, 19 Jul 2014 17:10:25 +0000 http://www.psychotherapyuk.com/?p=3335 We’ve put together some tips to help when searching for online relationships, whatever you’re after. But go forward carefully!

Technology has changed the way people meet. Whether we’re looking for a life partner, friendship or something more casual, many relationships now start online. The number of people using social networking sites has steadily increased over the past 10 years. And online dating is now a socially acceptable approach to finding a partner.

Online dating wasn’t always this easy. In the beginning, the practice of marketing oneself online and meeting ‘complete strangers’ through the internet was widely shunned. It was often seen as a desperate alternative for those who struggled to meet people in the ‘real world.’

Admitting you had met your partner online was often, and not so long ago, a little embarrassing.

That’s all changed. Many people have found that an online forum allows them a world of potential new partners, and a freedom to market themselves as they choose.

We’ve put together some tips for safe and successful online relationship hunting.  By taking things slowly and using common sense, online dating can be a fun and rewarding process. We hope the following suggestions will help.

Before going online, you might want to prepare yourself

  • Be ready to date. If you’re not over a previous relationship, this may not be the time to put yourself on the world wide web. Or if you’re feeling stressed or unmotivated, you may not be emotionally ready to meet new people. Wait until you feel relaxed and confident.
  • Think about what you’re looking for. Make a wish list, if that helps. What kind of partner do you really want?
  • Don’t construct a fantasy partner. Most people are not fantasies: they are normal people, just like you.
  • Research the available dating sites. They are not all the same! Some sites focus more on longer-term relationships while others focus on short-term hook-ups. Find the site that promotes what you’re looking for.

Marketing yourself to the world

  • Keep your profile simple. Too much information can be off-putting. You wouldn’t tell a first date in a coffee shop your entire life story so why do that in your profile? Your profile is a potential partner’s first impression of you. Don’t give too much away. Keep things simple.
  • Your photo should be welcoming. If possible, choose a photo that hints at your personality. Avoid flat or posed images. Holiday photos are not usually best. Choose a photo that captures the real you.
  • Be honest in your profile. Yes, many people market themselves online in a misleading way, but being dishonest in your profile means that whatever relationship you eventually create will be dishonest from the start. And there’s nothing more embarrassing than going on a first date in the real world when your profile photo is 15 years old. You might get caught out. Be yourself.
  • Weave your personality into your profile. Don’t tell people who you are, show them. Write carefully and creatively, using your own voice.
  • Leave room for curiosity. Let potential partners become interested in learning more about you. Why did you spend a month last year in Vietnam? What is is about John Waters films that you like so much? This will give you both something to talk about on your first date.

Diving into the ocean of online personal profiles

  • Though you’ve been completely honest in your profile, allow some room for ‘creativity’ in the profiles that attract you. Accept that 39 probably means 43 and that I like going to parks on weekends! probably means I have kids. You won’t be disappointed later.
  • Don’t expect success right away. Finding someone you connect with takes time. Enjoy the process of meeting people online, even the ones you decide not to meet face to face. The right one will come along eventually.
  • Be proactive. Make the first move. Take a chance. If you’re going to sit and wait for someone to come over, you may as well be sitting in a bar.
  • In potential partners’ profiles, ignore information about personality. Most people aren’t very good at promoting themselves accurately. Stick to the facts — age, location, job, education and personal interests. You’ll learn more about the character of online partners as you begin communicating with them.
  • Try to get a sense of the tone of a potential partner’s profile. Sometimes you can learn a lot about someone from how they write.
  • Avoid sharing certain personal details online. Never give your address or the place where you work to anyone until you’ve met them. If someone asks for personal information, keep in mind that you don’t have to oblige.
  • Get used to rejection and be gentle when you’re doing the rejecting! Let other people down easily. Take the time to explain to disappointed fans that they are simply not what you’re looking for.
  • Ignore rude behaviour online. Just as there are people you don’t want to know in the real world, there are people you don’t want to know online. Ignore them.

Meeting up

  • For some people, meeting a potential new partner is the fun part. For others, this is the most stressful part of online dating. Either way, choose a place to meet where you will feel most comfortable. If you don’t like bars, choose a coffee shop, museum or park. A restaurant is not usually a good idea for a first date. If you don’t click with this stranger you’ve just met, you may get stuck waiting for the food to arrive and the bill to come. Choose a place that works for both of you.
  • Let at least one person know where you’re going and who you intend to meet. Take your mobile phone with you. It’s always best to be safe.
  • Don’t accept a lift from a new potential partner. Drive yourself or take public transport.
  • Be prepared for three potential outcomes: you both fall in love at first site and you can’t wait to meet again,  you both are left feeling pretty cold about the other and it just didn’t work out, or one of you likes the other but the other can’t wait to get back online. Think through how you might like to respond to any of these outcomes.

Afterwards

  • Be aware that successful online dating means that a relationship will evolve into ‘real world dating’. Communication with a partner will move from online messaging to real-life face to face interactions. You’ll be learning about your new partner as the relationship unfolds without the medium of the internet. Be patient with a new relationship and go slowly.
  • You (and maybe your new partner) will have to think about what to do with those social networking sites that have been part of your life in recent months. Some people find they miss online networking once a real relationship has been achieved.

So now you’re ready! The shame of online dating is gone. Everyday, people are actively looking for partners online. There is a great deal of information on online dating available on the internet. Basic principles include stay safe, go slowly, be yourself and have fun. And don’t let online relationships become the only relationships you have.

Sometimes successful relationships of any kind are difficult for some people. Relationship issues are one the most common reasons people use our services. More about problems with relationships can be found by clicking here.

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Too much sleep may be as harmful as too little https://www.onetherapy.london/much-sleep-may-bad-little/ https://www.onetherapy.london/much-sleep-may-bad-little/#respond Sat, 28 Jun 2014 11:53:02 +0000 http://www.psychotherapyuk.com/?p=2836 Optimising sleep based on your age is best for mental health

The English Longitudinal Study of Ageing study examined 9,000 English people over one month and found that those aged 50-64 who slept more than eight hours a night had poor memory and decision-making abilities similar to those who slept less than six hours per night. The optimal range of sleep for adults in this age range was six to eight hours of sleep per night. Those who regularly slept more than 8 hours per night showed signs of lower cognitive function.

However, for older adults (65 +) the research suggested that it’s the quality of sleep rather than the quantity that matters. While getting too much sleep was shown to have some harmful effects in the older age group, the amount of quality, uninterupted sleep had more positive impact on healthy brain functioning.

‘Sleep is important for good health and mental wellbeing. Optimizing sleep at an older age may help to delay the decline in brain function seen with age, or indeed may slow or prevent the rapid decline that leads to dementia,’ Francesco Cappuccio, one of the researchers, said.

Counselling helped this man with chronic sleep problems.

A similar study by the University of Oregon released earlier this year found that 6 to 9 hours of sleep was optimal for people over 50, to ensure the highest level of brain function.

Previous research has shown the importance of the sleep-wake cycle. Professor Russell Foster, a neuroscientist at Oxford, said: ‘We are the supremely arrogant species. We feel we can abandon four billion years of evolution and ignore the fact that we have evolved under a light-dark cycle. What we do as a species is override the clock. And long-term acting against the clock can lead to serious health problems.’

An article on this recent research was published in the Herald Scotland on the 28th of June.

Our page on the importance of sleep for emotional and psychological well-being might also be of interest.

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